Recently, I’ve noticed a vast divergence between the priorities of concerned parents and those of the children they want so desperately to succeed. The current doctors, lawyers, and businessmen of our generation have similarly grand career aims for their young “Josh”es and “Spencer”s. But since “success” in the mind of a 5th grader is making girls laugh and logging 500 hours on his Nintendo DS, here are some tips on how the most conscientious doctors may use their professional prosperity to assist their children in achieving a similar feeling of triumph in their own lives:
1. From an early age, keep your child informed about the parts and systems of the human body.
Why wait until Bio 101 for Timothy to learn that the flap of skin on the elbow is called a wenis? He will be much better served to know it now, in elementary school, where funny-sounding words are the panem et circenses of the masses. If you share your child’s fundamental belief that public school is one big popularity contest, then you will certainly not deprive him the joy of telling his fellow schoolmates that Wilson, who slipped in that puddle of chocolate milk in the cafeteria, has really bruised his *cock-cyx.*
2. As a rule, let your child take whatever he pleases from your medical kit to school.
Essentially, you and your stethoscope are buying him two, maybe three days at the top of the social ladder. This allows him to focus more on his classwork for a short time before having to think of another way to best Billy with the pet bullfrog; this will lead to an increased overall productivity. It is also important to note that becoming proactive about your child’s popularity now will increase his likelihood of being voted Class President later in his academic career. Need I stress how good this looks on a resume?
3. Do not spare any details when speaking about a patient’s problem.
Words like “puss”, “ooze” and “squirt” are all quite positive elementary school trigger words. This is your chance to see your tolerance for the extremely icky vastly appreciated, albeit by 18-26 9 year-olds. If you want your child to make well-bred friends that will be a positive influence on him, just use this simple trick and he will have the pick of the litter.
4. Ensure that your child is dressed as a doctor each year for career day.
Though other children may arrive sporting tutus and boxing gloves on this fated day of 2nd grade, it is important that your child accepts reality now. Such future planning is quite prudent, as it gives her an advantage over the other children, who may wait until high school before they decide to aspire to a position of such economic and social excellence. Not to mention, the costume will reinforce in her own mind who she is, and who she will become. That way, she can skip over the messy self-exploration and rebellion that might have accompanied her teenage years!
Other parents will see this and subtly encourage their children to be friends with your daughter, who looks like she will “bring their child up” more than the kid who wants to be Spiderman. These subliminal messages all but guarantee that she will have friends in spades!
5. Allow your child the pleasure of dressing her own cuts and bruises.
Why deprive Maya of such a perfect learning opportunity? By negating to dote on her “booboos”, or to enforce such unfounded practices as “kissing it better”, she will soon develop a cool, rational, and unfeeling temperament for dealing with injuries, which befits both a successful doctor and a mysterious crush. Guys will be fascinated by her bluntness and independence! In addition, it will soon wipe out any anxiety or squeamishness she might have regarding the sight or smell of blood, making her a coveted lab partner!
Employ these five tips to your parenting, and watch as the birthday party invitations roll in!