September 22

Ketchup This?

As I listened, equal parts amused and bemused, to my friends in grade 12 brood about university applications and scholarship programs, it dawned on me that I only have two years left in this comfortable, gated community before I must take to the gluten-free equivalent of “Kraft dinner and a mattress” living. Upon this realization a switch was flipped in my mind, and my eyes opened to all of the amenities that I have access to, which I usually neglect; I have become in my own home something that is comparable to the man who pilfers those little shampoo bottles from three-star hotels! At the moment, my parents are wondering which Malaysian tourist did a body swap with me; in the span of 3 hours, I have gone to the pool, tried to learn a song on our piano, and filled the steam shower with enough eucalyptus oil to rival a seasoned middle-age hot springs enthusiast with monogramed robes and a bald patch. I have also started to pillage through “school memories” albums and boxes of momentos from the Golden Era, back when university was still 4, or 5, or 7 years off…

Looking through my old science notes today, I came across a page from when I had been so bored that I wrote this poem about a suicidal piano player:

Her nimble fingers tied the knot

For they too long had played the tune, the game

and now to quit, while at a moment’s note- ice

collects along divots in the keys

those ivory blacks and whites

are all the colours that she sees

the pianist,

a peony in principle and melody

the piano player


I cannot decide which is more pompous- the fact that I decided to write all of that down along the endoplasmic reticulum of my cell diagram, or the fact that I successively found it, and put it on my blog. However, it lead me to my recent discovery that going back through the vaults of childhood achievement, if one douches all the nostalgia, is not just the unproductive use of time I once believed it to be. As it turns out, it is also detrimental to one’s self-esteem. For example, while leafing through pictures from my grade six year, I noticed that our family’s Canon Rebel XTI had chosen to paint me not as the altruistic hero who shaved her head for cancer, but as the full-faced lesbian with a buzz cut and a polo shirt collection impressive for its quantity, if nothing else. And those school projects I was unjustifiably proud of in grade 7? Apparently, they’re not actually so great! Here’s the audio file I unearthed from the *poignant? clever?* mortifying parody I made of MC Hammer’s “Cant’ Touch This” involving a certain tomato-based substance:

From MC Hamburger’s famous album “Let’s Get it Squirted”, it’s”Ketchup This.”

-When mustard simply doesn’t cut it.

For once, I concurred wholly with my mother’s distrusting view of the internet and unincluded the music video once accompanying the rap, as this sort of humiliation would transcend even the safety of vast URL networks and computer screens that separate me from your horror and scorn. It is not, arguably, necessary to see Avery wearing her father’s Ukrainian dancing pants and a padded neon jacket to understand the true gravity of her social situation- that the thin thread on which her level of popularity hangs today would snap, without a second thought, were it to discover that such a video survives in the underbelly of the internet.

And believe me, I am sparing your eyes!

Bye for now,


Copyright © 2014. All rights reserved.

Posted September 22, 2014 by Avery in category "Uncategorized


  1. By Nerril on

    Ah! You’re a much braver person than I for being able to go through all your old work! I have a footlocker in the attic that I am TERRIFIED to go through! xD
    Nerril recently posted…PERIODS.My Profile

    1. By Avery (Post author) on

      Seeing some of the stuff on your blog, I imagine that it’s pretty interesting! The doodles in the margins of your papers would definitely put mine to shame! ;D

  2. By CherylM. on

    Ha! loved the parody! … wish you’d show us the video too!!

    “farting sounds” … boys.. LOL!

    1. By Avery (Post author) on

      Thanks! Somewhere, my 7th-grade self is overwrought with pride! And that “farting sounds” line was even bad back then… ;) Maybe someday the video will surface! Not yet, though; I am starting to enjoy having a few readers! XD

  3. By CherylM. on

    Couldn’t be any worse than Weird Al Yankovic…. go view his “word crimes” … his parody of “blurred lines” … hilarious!!

    Glad you’re getting a few readers!

    1. By Avery (Post author) on

      Thank-you so much! It means a lot coming from someone with their own fantastic blog! And a shared love for Harvey Specter. ;)


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