Why Fad Diets Suck (significantly more than has already been proven)
(Make sure to also take a look at the new poem, “The Tomato” on my Disjointed, Grammar-Neglecting, Thematic Statements page.)
It’s simply a fact that restrictive diets, under the guise of fake glasses, moustaches, and the term “empowerment”, are not all that good for you. We already know that our body responds to a drop in calories by entering “starvation mode”, clinging to each precious glucose molecule as you thrash about on a Stairclimber. We already know that as soon as it’s over, God willing we make it through those 10, 11, 17, 28, or 30 days, the unnecessary face-cramming and general orifice-stuffing begins. And somehow, all of this information doesn’t hinder us from taking another crack of the whip at old Spirit, who, judging by the accumulation of maggots in her jaw, isn’t planning to get up any time soon.
I, myself, have woken up every day for the past 6 months with the intention of following some eating plan or the other. Here is what I’ve found:
What is most similar between all fad diets is their claim to be completely different than all other fad diets. A good one will not even use the word “diet” at all; a really good one will use it, but only as an acronym for something totally contradictory, like “Don’t Itemize Every Thing”, or “Did I Eat Today?”
And unless a vague and fragile feeling of self-empowerment is not enough, they tend to include slogans that combine a word involving your goal, and a generic feel-good word, like “thingenious”, “slimpactful,” or “thindulge.” These of course, are followed obsequiously by a ™, ®, or relevant credit-hashing #.
For me, these diets worked well for the first month, but after the initial shock wore off, and I was again able to move my hands in a popcorn-like motion, every day became another opportunity for failure.
This did nothing to stop me, however, from pre-making jars of lentil salads and chicken curries, each one more obscure and more “healthy” than the last, only to be abandoned in lieu of marshmallows and pop tarts; our kitchen looks like if Martha Stewart had a schizophrenic episode.
And still each morning, without fail, I woke up with the unwavering ideals of a Neo-Nazi. It got to the point where packing a sandwich for lunch was not simply distasteful, it was punishable by death in 32 states: Premeditated carb consumption, of the first degree.
So far, these diets have done nothing to improve my health, and left me instead with a rather unhealthy perception of food in general. So my advice? Stay away! I hope this post can thinspire™ you all to eat normally, and healthily, as this will have a better slimpact® on your overall health. #Hanaden2015
What is your experience with dieting? Let me know in the comment section below!
Bye for now,