January 19

Why Fad Diets Suck (significantly more than has already been proven)

(Make sure to also take a look at the new poem, “The Tomato” on my Disjointed, Grammar-Neglecting, Thematic Statements page.)


It’s simply a fact that restrictive diets, under the guise of fake glasses, moustaches, and the term “empowerment”, are not all that good for you. We already know that our body responds to a drop in calories by entering “starvation mode”, clinging to each precious glucose molecule as you thrash about on a Stairclimber. We already know that as soon as it’s over, God willing we make it through those 10, 11, 17, 28, or 30 days, the unnecessary face-cramming and general orifice-stuffing begins. And somehow, all of this information doesn’t hinder us from taking another crack of the whip at old Spirit, who, judging by the accumulation of maggots in her jaw, isn’t planning to get up any time soon.


I, myself, have woken up every day for the past 6 months with the intention of following some eating plan or the other. Here is what I’ve found:

What is most similar between all fad diets is their claim to be completely different than all other fad diets. A good one will not even use the word “diet” at all; a really good one will use it, but only as an acronym for something totally contradictory, like “Don’t Itemize Every Thing”, or “Did I Eat Today?”

And unless a vague and fragile feeling of self-empowerment is not enough, they tend to include slogans that combine a word involving your goal, and a generic feel-good word, like “thingenious”, “slimpactful,” or “thindulge.” These of course, are followed obsequiously by a ™, ®, or relevant credit-hashing #.

For me, these diets worked well for the first month, but after the initial shock wore off, and I was again able to move my hands in a popcorn-like motion, every day became another opportunity for failure.

This did nothing to stop me, however, from pre-making jars of lentil salads and chicken curries, each one more obscure and more “healthy” than the last, only to be abandoned in lieu of marshmallows and pop tarts; our kitchen looks like if Martha Stewart had a schizophrenic episode.

And still each morning, without fail, I woke up with the unwavering ideals of a Neo-Nazi. It got to the point where packing a sandwich for lunch was not simply distasteful, it was punishable by death in 32 states: Premeditated carb consumption, of the first degree.

So far, these diets have done nothing to improve my health, and left me instead with a rather unhealthy perception of food in general. So my advice? Stay away! I hope this post can thinspire™ you all to eat normally, and healthily, as this will have a better slimpact® on your overall health. #Hanaden2015


What is your experience with dieting? Let me know in the comment section below!

Bye for now,


Copyright © 2014. All rights reserved.

Posted January 19, 2015 by Avery in category "Uncategorized


  1. By April on

    I hear you. The longest I have ever lasted on a fad diet is one day – if you count making it to dinner without completely going off the rails a day. :D

    I’m always open to improving my health, but these days I look at things and ask myself, “Can I commit to this for the rest of my life?” The answer is usually a resounding, “NOPE,” because, as you’ve probably noticed, these things are designed for quick results – if you can stick to them. Most people can’t. The ones that can? Gain it all back once they go back to their regular eating habits.

    By the way, since I forgot that I set my blog to close comments after a certain number of days, to answer your questions: (1) I go back to California in March! YAY! (2) I totally count the blueberries in the muffins. Totally. I also find that I can get more fruits and veggies into my day by substituting fruit for eggs or butter/oil. Bananas, applesauce, and pumpkin puree are great for this. Oh, and if you shred a zucchini and/or carrots into chocolate cake batter? Totally disappears.
    April recently posted…6 a.m. is not early enough/Let’s Do This, 2015 (Part Three)My Profile

    1. By Avery (Post author) on

      I completely agree! In my famous chocolate zucchini loaf, the “zucchini” is silent! ;)

      My problem is that I can stick out the crash diet, but overcompensate heavily as soon as it’s over! Not a good cycle to be on.

      March! That’s so soon! But it’s too bad that you’re leaving right after winter is over, instead of before it begins!

  2. By candidkay on

    Diets are restrictive. They’re about what can’t I have, etc. Making a move to get healthy, moving toward your ideal body–these I respond to. Diet feels like there is too much forbidden fruit . . .

  3. By Avery (Post author) on

    Very true!
    By nature, I don’t like to do things that feel as though I am punishing myself. It just leads to more unhealthy thoughts and eating habits!


Leave a Reply to Avery Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

CommentLuv badge