Dwindling Unicorn Populations: We are the Problem
To paraphrase the concluding lines of every episode of every children’s television show, it is astounding what a group of people can accomplish when they work together; as we see in international politics, workers’ strikes, and synchronized swimming, unity is powerful. Unfortunately, both innate fear of powerful things and innate hatred for the things we fear are key symptoms of our humanity: “unity” is no exception. It is no surprise, then, that we look upon such things as unibrows and uniboobs with regrettable contempt. Our 12 year-old selves weren’t seen riding around on unicycles, not because of our gangly limbs and balance bad enough to rival that of a taco shell before Ol Del Paso released its flat-bottomed model, but because of a collective, subconscious embargo on all uni-made objects. Unicorns, it seems, are the only entity to have escaped our condescension. Even then, their state of esteem is so precarious that they must live away from humans for their own protection.
So next time someone tells you to “go pluck your unibrow”, simply inform him that a deep-rooted insecurity regarding his power and status in society is clouding his ability to admire your united facial conglomeration. And he will certainly ask you to prom.