October 5

A Shakespearian Dilemma:

To pee, or not to pee? That is the question—

Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The pain and bother of a brimming bladder,

Or to depart from a sea of blankets,

And, by your absence, end the warmth withal?

To rise, to sleep—No more—

And through our steps toward the porcelain round

Assuage the aches in th’ distending sac

That litres of Pepsi make it heir to—’tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wished! To stay, to sleep.

To sleep, perchance to dream—ay, there’s the rub,

For in waterlogged slumber, dreams may come

Of pregnant waterfalls and rivers’ haste

Or leaky faucets, dripping into sinks

That overlook the bubble-bloated tide

Along an ocean line. There’s the respect

That, as we prolong tending to our needs,

Doth make a weary, weakly bladdered-girl

Submit to her uncertain will and flee

luxurious sleep, upset by one small pea

beneath a slew, a heap, of mattresses.

Who would expose himself to unfleec’d air,

To quake and shiver ‘long his bathroom route,

But for the dread of waking up in damp-

That once-familiar shame of soiled sheets

So well established on his sheepish face?

Yet, silence ‘llows no diversion from pain;

Seclusion in what should be our repose

Renders our conscience vuln’rable to wants

And lets us not sit with our partial take

But urges us, “to toilet!”

Thus wakefulness doth weaken our resolve

And the native stubbornness of our comfort

Is perforated by suff’ring’s pushpins-

Decisions to remain, of great intent

With this regard their currents turn awry,

And go you to the bathroom still and all!